I was reading one of my favourite vet blogs today (My Vet School Days, if you’re curious) when I really felt the whole idea of being in vet school weigh down on my shoulders.
In a sense, I’m lucky. I did get this far after all. And these few weeks, I’ve managed to get relatively free days. I’m dead tired by the end of the day but I can’t say that my day-to-day activities haven’t been…interesting. I can’t think of a word to use there. On Wednesday, I joined a debate. I didn’t go to the debate thinking I was actually going to speak. I was thinking I’m gonna watch people debate because it feels like the last link I have to a few close friends I have. On Thursday, I sang in a choir albeit in a slight haze induced by a sore throat. (Does it make sense for my brain to feel shaken because I cough too much at times? No? Yeah, I knew that.) I punctuated two days with activities that went on till 8 pm.
And it was fun.
But dear gosh I was tired.
I can’t muster up the energy to be social sometimes. Being quiet and tapping on my iPod feels (is) safer. I don’t have to risk putting my foot in my mouth. If I say ‘fun fact’ one more time I’m going to kick myself. If I don’t try to talk to a new person, as opposed to trying to dwell amongst people I’ve already been introduced to, I’m probably going to end up pretty much alone. And I can’t go there. I’m already enough of a loner as it is.
(I’m tempted to make a bit of a nerdy reference by slipping in the fact that I keep imagining an energy graph, the one about reactions needing an energetic pushed to be catalysed. And I think about it every time I sit in class or join a club or talk to someone.)
I think I’ve digressed.
The main point is, I can’t seem to swallow the fact that I’m far away from home. I can’t flop next to my sister or poke my brother or hang out with my friend. Maybe the fact that my mind runs away from the idea is a coping mechanism. I don’t think about it much. I just miss everybody a lot. That’s a little bit pathetic. And I can’t help but feel a little bit distant from everyone I once knew.
I won’t talk about the academic burden. I have to maintain distinctions in my classes to keep a scholarship. Let’s keep it at that. I’m scared.
Also, the internet connection in Malaysia sucks and, by extension, so does Skype.
I should also remind myself to keep a more consistent record of my days here, I’d like to graduate one day and and click through old posts to remind me of what was.
I hope I won’t screw up along the way. Keep the people I love. Do something right.