Sometimes I find it really hard being around people.
There are these expectations of what constitutes normal, expectations for silences being filled – regardless how comfortable I am with a person…it’s a bit painful when I feel I’m not being who or what they expect me to be.
Maybe that’s what gets me down on certain days. It’s not a particularly good reason but it’s something that keeps my door locked and the curtains closed.
But there are some days I want to feel wanted like there’s someone reaching out to me because my presence is wanted. It’s a bit…stupid.
On those days, I think about the future (also a bit dumb considering my compromised state of mind) and how much I’d like it to be set. I want Person A, B, C, in my life. I’d like to be happy and be in this relationship. I want to be financially secure. I want to write a book, own a farm, be a vet, research, teach – I just want things to fall in place.
In time, these thought processes click and turn and settle, as if they’ve found their place in the world. I often feel lost.
Then, I write or draw. I’ve discovered that pushing my right brain to do things is a good way to shut my overactive left brain up. (But no time for that now! Exams!)
On a happier, more easily understood note, I like this: