A Proper Blog
…would have posts like this (or so I imagine).
Not necessarily interesting. Not necessarily painless.
But since I am mostly anonymous in this space, I’ll document it anyway.
I have a fractured relationship on my hands.
I’ve thought about it for a week now and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s our fault. I don’t tell him it’s his fault and I don’t blame him for anything. Things happen. I messed up. He was the only one to listen to me when I worried and I exploited the fact again and again.
He was my censor, in a way. He was the one who heard all the emotions before they bubbled to the surface and exploded in my face. Catching them, however, ended up hurting him more than anyone else.
And, in several moments, I forgot that he was the person I wanted to hurt least in the world. I was self-centred and selfish. I didn’t appreciate what he did do and what he did hear. He was, and still is, a good guy. Not telling him that was my fault.
At the risk of sounding bitter, I think I’ll add what I think might have been his flaws.
He seemed to lack sense I assumed was common. Who uses a picture of himself and the girl he used to like (he once wrote, ‘If I ever had a girlfriend, I’d never feel for her the same way I felt for you’ about her) as his profile picture? Especially when he has a girlfriend who still hurts at the thought? Who doesn’t think of his girlfriend’s birthday? Or occasions she thinks are special? Who hears small complaints and overlooks them even as they grow?
I put up with things I wish were there. I numbed parts of me wishing he would care.
And now it’s over. At least, I know I didn’t end it.
But, then again, I never could.
I miss him.