Les Cirque des Rêves

by Rie

The title is courtesy of the book I’ve been reading ‘The Night Circus’ by Erin Morgenstern. It means ‘The Circus of Dreams’.

And that’s how I feel about a lot of things, particularly life in general.

If you’ve read this blog for a while, you probably already know I like thinking about life.

(Fun fact: I’m also the sort of person who worries about life. I think about everything that’s wrong with me and allow my emotions to pull me down low. It’s a mad cocktail to put in one person. This will change. Really.)

It’s just funny how life seems pretty screwed up. It deals you a hand – gives you interests, a personality, a set of relationships – and sometimes it feels like you can only hope that your hand was a good one.

That’s probably why people are screwed up. That’s probably why I’m screwed up. I let it get to me too much.

This part will sound dumb, but I honestly set down my book just to think about ‘The Circus of Dreams’. Partly because I can’t pronounce ‘Rêves’ but mostly because I feel like the world is a giant circus tent and that all people really seem to have are the intangible things.

I thought to myself while walking down a corridor in Camden, “Is this really what I want to do for the rest of my life?”

I think it is. But, sometimes, after reading certain things and thinking about what would make me seem successful, I don’t know. It’s just something that I love and have always wanted to do.

It makes me feel hypocritical. Sometimes, when I dole out advice, I add at least two cups of reality and practicality. Yet, here I am. Veterinary science is supposed to be a great field but I don’t know that every day. I could be elsewhere that might pay better, might mean I have more time for myself, might mean that I could make a bigger impact, but would that make me happier?

And, at the end of the day, it’s the intangible again. Will I be happy? What is the future? What are my dreams?

But most of all: Will I be happy?