Breaks

by Rie

I had to – had to – take a break from work. And I didn’t even do very much of it.

There’s just something about school that creeps up on you and sloshes cold water down your back in the middle of winter. This is apt as it is winter and there are exams and there’s this stupid feeling of misery.

To draw more parallels, after three days of attempting to study and finish assignments, I feel like I’ve been standing on my head all this while. I cannot recognise up or down, left or right, cranial or caudal – you get the point, right?

And, then, there’s no feeling quite like the feeling of self-loathing. I cannot stand myself. This is a problem, as you can imagine, as I am everywhere I am. Well, unless I go to sleep, in which case I am free to dream I am someone else.

I am wrong. I am wrong all over.

What makes it worse is that I’m trying to hide how wrong I am. It has been made abundantly clear to me that there is no room for sadness or such feelings because one simply must be strong. And how can you lean on someone who will back away, after all?

How do you draw this line, then? How do you stop vacillating between self-loathing and being asleep (even when you’re awake)? How do you tell people you are working hard and you’re trying very hard to not cause them any sort of grief? And you’ll tell them this while you avoid them to be alone with the self you rather dislike.

Well, apparently, you write a blog post. This has been quite therapeutic.

I’m just thankful personalities don’t settle until your mid-twenties (according to some TED talk). I will adopt one…tomorrow. Well, I’ll try.

Now, back to work.

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