The Carpus

by Rie

Not really the carpus. I’m just meant to be finishing my notes on the carpus. Clearly, I’m not by writing this post.

So, vet school.

I have barely recorded a thing about vet school. Still, I can justify this in part because any interesting pictures I could post might offend stomachs and tastes and rehashing what I’ve learned in classes would be painful for both me and you.

Still, laid out in paragraphs, my study. (For my clouded memory in the future, mostly. Also, I may remember myself as an assiduous student ten years down the road. Lies, all lies.)

I am working on Equine Anatomy now. I feel pressed between this semester’s subjects – none are yielding thus far to my pushing back. Principles of Disease, Veterinary Anatomy and Physiology 2B, and Veterinary Conservation Biology complete the lineup.

That thud you might have just heard was my forehead landing on the table in desperation.

Of course, it’s a good thing that none of my subjects are giveaway subjects; I would certainly doubt the credibility of my course, otherwise. But why – and I mean, why – do I have such ghastly study habits?

The first semester was the worst. I tried to take all notes by hand. By the second semester, I had graduated to a mixture of mediums. I had also discovered the library by the second semester. By second year’s first semester, I took better notes – much better notes (but was a sputtering mess). This time, I have regressed.

The notes exist but they are not together. (But that’s okay because I am becoming more dependent on my computer, so I’m consolidating them anyway.) I am there for lectures but in body, not mind.

I also need a lesson in Eastern European accents.

I have not walked into a single exam confident enough that I would pass.

And I don’t like anatomy! What vet doesn’t like anatomy? PLUS, I like pretty much everything! The uppercase ‘plus’ emphasises this well.

There is a certain amount of pride vet students have, I think. “We are not in this for the money,” they say, “we are in this for the love and passion we have for animal welfare, etc. etc.”

I have lost focus on what graduating would mean. I think it’s clear that I have for a while.

Don’t get me wrong. I love medicine, I love biology, I sometimes like anatomy (rarely, but sometimes), and I do love animals.

I just can’t love the studying. I’m not even sure if I’m good at seeing its necessity.

Maybe it’s because I’ve started to realise that the path I’ve marked out for myself in my mind might not be the path I’ll take. It won’t be because the path lost its appeal; it will simply be that a mountain landed smack in the middle of that road and I won’t be able to climb it.

Now, I return to the horse’s carpus (which, fine, is actually fascinating – I might not completely dislike anatomy, then).