by Rie

I kinda look forward to death.

And I don’t mean in the religious sense in which people hope to be reunited with their God, etc., I’m just kinda looking forward to not existing.

No, I’m not suicidal.

But, for a day of birth, I thought a lot about death and what it would mean. I can count 4, maybe 5, people who would cry at my funeral. 8, I think, would send condolences from overseas. Half of the room would be sadder for the people left behind than for the loss of the person who left.

I think that says a lot about the impact I’m likely to leave.

The thing is, this only matters – the numbers, the emotions, the people, everything – if I were alive. Which I wouldn’t be. That’s a good thing, isn’t it?

People say to embrace life. I say, give it a cautious hug. It’s rather toxic, life is. In the whole spirit of #yolo, I think it’s easy to get drunk and poisoned by the need to live and live large.

That cautious hugging is probably why death isn’t that unappealing an outcome. (This is to emphasise that I am probably wrong in my opinions. I always am. Just assume that from now on.)

There’s also the fact that death is certain. In this week of complete and utter uncertainty, it’s nice to know that I can guarantee that I will die one day. That speaks somewhat to my human need for control.

Except that humans literally have no control.

Like, literally.

I remember reading this study about how people are more likely to be scared of flying because they aren’t the ones piloting the airborne vehicle. For this reason, they are more likely to stay land-bound in their cars.

Except that they’re more likely to die in their cars.

So, maybe, you walk, and you take all the necessary precautions. You may even throw on a helmet. (I’m not actually assuming people do that. I thought it would be a good way to illustrate an extreme. Moving on.)

Then, you die. Of natural causes. Just because it’s possible. Or your attention slipped for a moment, for inescapable reasons like an attention-seeking beautiful day, and you trip, only to be run over by a car shortly after.

Okay, so this control thing could work if you controlled everyone on Earth. Everyone.

But I digress.

So, death.

I’m still avoiding it at the moment. Slapping on sunblock to prevent cancer, eating vegetables, rubbing my existence in its face.

It makes me wonder how I’d feel if someone tried to kill me now. I’d probably change my mind. I’d still probably beg for my life.

This rabbit hole has become more twisted than I imagined. Such a contentious subject, life and death. And I have skipped over it so lightly here.

If only life and death were weightier on my shoulders. Maybe I’d live life better shirking from death.

At this point, I’m just babbling. I’m procrasti-writing. I’m adding “procrasti” to everything I do that isn’t studying. That’s one long list of words. Procrasti-eating. Procrasti-reading. Procrasti-drinking. Procrasti-thinking. Procrasti-breathing.

I like procrasti-breathing. It’s calming.