Yesterday was the last day of placements. Today it is cold and overcast and without routine.
In between, on that line between yesterday and tomorrow – where it gets blurry because today, tomorrow, and yesterday are one and the same – I hid myself and willed time to stop.
Of course, it didn’t work. If I had such powers the world would probably implode.
University starts in two days. This rings of stress in catastrophic proportions. I don’t know if I can handle sitting in lectures; how can I handle learning from lectures?
I wrote that almost a week ago. On a Saturday. Tomorrow will be Friday.
I really don’t know why I’m stating the obvious.
I guess it has more to do with my bafflement that time is passing so fast. Do I marvel at this constantly? I feel like I am repeating myself again. (This is why I probably don’t have an original thought in my head.)
It’s been a pretty good week. I’m lost, yes, but it was anticipated, so I’m not too disappointed in myself. I like where I live. I like the people I’m with. If you asked me yesterday morning, I would have told you that I am happier this year.
This convinces me, somewhat, that I can never be happy. Because, today, I am not. Yesterday evening I was not. This is a strange thing I cannot seem to fight. I am moored here for the moment and defeated against the currents.
Currents from my own head, thankyouverymuch.
I guess that’s the problem with people (or just me). What could there be to make me happier? Chocolate? Phone calls? Books? Money? All of them together?
Maybe hoping against all hope is foolishness. What is faith built on foolish hope? What is action built on baseless faith? What is this – a thousand times, said to everything that crosses my path.
On an unrelated segue, I am still not very good with people. I don’t know if this will change. I am hyper-conscious of my actions; ruminate every memory of the past week. I wish I were more forgetful. Maybe then I’d be happier.
Almost full circle. So close. I think I’m just jabbering now. What am I doing?