Those two words don’t belong together. But thank God for StuVac.
I was thinking, lately. (This, we have established, is a bad habit.) I couldn’t stand it; I’ve decided to give myself the pep talk I’ve been deaf to. This will not be a particularly well-worded post. You have been warned.
I’ve been straining against an invisible lead. I’ve fought to pull my emotions into alignment, fought to stay sane, fought to stay afloat. Eventually, this would become tiring and I would let myself sink into the depths of the bog I have dug and filled. That, I’ve realised, is fine. But it isn’t fair. It isn’t fair to me, it isn’t fair to my family or friends, and it isn’t even fair to you (and you’re just a bystander).
The thing is: when I fight anxiety, I am effectively fighting myself. There came a point yesterday, in mid-fight, that I realised that I didn’t care. I didn’t care to fight it. I didn’t care to think of it.
If there isn’t a point in life, as I so fear, why am I so bothered with trying to find the meaning in it? Why am I so bothered with the anxiety that creeps over me and fills my lungs with tar? If I cannot breathe, wouldn’t it be my fault, then?
If I were naive, if I didn’t understand how the world worked, I could excuse myself foolishness. I couldn’t excuse myself the ignorance but I could excuse myself the stupidity. But I am not naive. I chose not to be ignorant.
I only chose to be stupid.
And the words I dressed my thoughts with were all for show – they showed you how I felt but they were frills tacked on. I did nothing about them. Metaphor built upon metaphor built on this shabby foundation of emotions.
Now, granted, there are thoughts in my head that are half-baked. But even I should recognise the beginnings of the end. If these thoughts were truly to make me better – were truly to make me kinder, more understanding, more effective, more intelligent – shouldn’t it be so? If not, why engage them? If so, shouldn’t I at least try?
In this week of studying, I should be effective. I should not mourn my lack of understanding. For now at least, I will not let even my stupidity bother me. It was my fault. I am lazy. I make excuses. I may not actually be smart. But that’s fine. I am where I am.
And I am thankful for the people I have. The people who have stuck to me. The people who seek me out when they know I am coming at the seams. The people who understand that I’m awkward and broken but are okay with it.
The people who will probably receive very distressed phone calls if I don’t keep to this study schedule.
Ha. Poor souls, they are.
In other news, vet school is vet school. Overwhelming. Terrible. Frightening. But semesters end and actual vacations come.
Just three weeks left and I’m halfway done! I will do a proper vet school post when this is over. Now my brain is just muttering, “Pathology pathology pathology” so do excuse me. Excuse this whole post in its selfishness.
My brain’s muttering again.