An Experiment

by Rie

Right now. And I mean right now, my mind is falling apart.

I thought it might be interesting to document it.

Of course, just as I get around to it, words begin to fail me. Of course, I also have to be in a lecture; I know I’m meant to pay attention.

I want to beg off my responsibilities – I want to say, ‘Hey, sorry guys, my heart hurts something awful and my brain’s spinning and not making sense.’ But if it’s not medical, not something legitimate, I feel horrible.

Of course, this makes me feel more horrible.

I guess that’s why there’s so much stigma with mental stuff. You can’t see them, can’t understand them, can’t really fix them.

Except by sheer willpower, apparently.

When I first started this blog, I could’ve sworn I thought there would be more vet stuff in here. I could tell you about haematology (it’s what this lecture is for) but there’s nothing I could say that you couldn’t find online or find remotely interesting.

I’m really quite horribly dull.

I like the word horrible.

I’m thinking of disappearing for the next two hours. Fix myself a little before inflicting myself on others. You can tell I have a really healthy self-esteem.

It’s funny how one crack becomes two and two becomes four and soon you have a sprawling tree of cracks you have to gently hold together.

On the bright side, I’m getting better at not telling people everything. Just enough that they know I’m not alright but not enough for them to worry too much. There’s really not much point worrying if I am so governed by my emotions.

I’ll actually try and focus now. I shall be peppy next week.

And talk about, like, blood.