by Rie

Blogging from class again – surprise!

I’m trying to figure out what in my head deigns me to believe that I gain anything from occupying a seat and having my mind wander elsewhere. It’s not like I have to be here – I battled wind and rain (ha) to sit in this lecture. And I know it’s not about respect for the lecturer (if only I were so noble).

There was a spring shower yesterday. I use the word shower because I was inside my room in my bed feeling sorry for myself. It was storming, really, with flashing lightning and crashing hail. The whole schtick. I suppose I would have legitimate reason to feel miserable if I were in the hail but I am one of those ugly people of first world problems.

Hurting oneself is very much a first world thing, isn’t it? (Okay, I just looked it up – it’s not true. I suppose I only had this impression because it’s more shocking when seemingly fulfilled people hurt themselves/succumb to fatal self-injury).

I often find myself indirectly punishing myself. I think I fit into this mould of trying to place physical pain around an emotional wound. Kinda like stabbing yourself where you feel some visceral pain, so you can present a tangible wound so someone would believe you. (I’ve never done it but I can sort of understand the justification. That and I’ve heard of dopamine and other-happy-neurotransmitter release helps with emotional pain. Sounds about right.)

On the bright side, part of me celebrates at misfortune and it often makes for great, “Oh, lol, you’re so unlucky!” stories. And, on another bright side, I cheer people up.

I’m beginning to feel extra empathy for the people who have ever had to put up with me. It would be absolutely horrific to deal with so much of this. Why do I have friends? They deserve better. I think I should just remain permanently high on coffee or some other euphoria-inducing agent. I mean, I’m not too worried about mortality (but that’s a side effect of young recklessness, I think).

Some have told me that I have at least gained empathy. As in, it’s alright because you gained empathy and you can relate so much better to people now! The thing is, and I don’t mean to sound selfish, I hate being able to empathise. I am deeply affected by other people’s emotions. I read their discomfort and react to their pain as if I were the one affected. If I don’t react, if I don’t change things for them, I think about it and I stew in the fact that I’m a horrible person. I’d rather be cold and indifferent and happy. That selfish sort of happy.

I feel sick now. There’s something so deeply wrong with me I can’t even. But I’ll try. Only thing I can do really.