The One in the Middle of Exams

by Rie

Hello. I haven’t written here in a while, so writing this is kinda like saying hello to an old friend.

An old friend to whom I speak when I want my words to echo back.

So, yes, hello.

I was thinking a lot about ego. Mine, in particular. I felt as if I were put in place recently. A reminder that people’s actions and words don’t line up. It’s the calm before the ‘but’.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sincerely sorry, but this is really your fault.”

This usually hits me pretty hard because I’m already assuming I’m at fault. And I take it. It is my fault.

I’m terrified of negative interactions. I assume that I am withdrawing from a finite balance of grace and understanding. The thing about old friends is that, as time wears on, the withdrawals continue but repayments become more minuscule in their eyes. I think I try too hard to make up for it.

I spent most of my Saturday almost comatose. I spent most of my Sunday trying to quash this wave of insecurities. I’ve spent half of today in a state of distraction.

It isn’t horrible, though. It really isn’t.

I think I’ll have to stop now even with the awareness that I’m leaving this hanging. Till Thursday.