All the Emotions Now

by Rie

Happy. Good friends. Water parks. New people. Books. Computer games. My Raspberry Pi is here – I shall tinker!

Meh. Don’t know why.

Sad. Don’t know why.

Scared. Don’t know why.

Angry. Well, actually, not angry. It’s the only emotion with a damp towel suffocating it.

A lot of the links I draw are thorns digging into skin. They tear and pull, the skin weeps awhile, and what’s left is a fading scratch. A scratch I remember but don’t remember.

Sometimes I pull into myself and wonder if I’m real. Other times I splay myself in a public space trying to prove that the voice in these words deserve some attention because I’m real. But people don’t notice people for being real –  they recognise people for being hyper-real, exaggerated almost.

It becomes a balance between having attention and being ignored. Neither are particularly appealing to me, yet, extremes are easier to achieve than standing in the middle.

Like who really wants a stationary see saw, right? It’s all about getting the heavier person nearer to the fulcrum and the lighter person further away, so there’s some sort of balance that enables self-perpetuating oscillations. (Which I’ve never been able to do.)

And then you have to deal with time because, darn it, life is made up of multiple freeze frames tacked to each moment in time. You run through the tunnel chasing time and it flees; stand too still and it’s all you feel, pressing into your skin into your heart and mind.

I feel as if I should be a bit more inspiring. I should want to help all you depressed/anxious people out there, if only because I have a blog. But that’s condescending, isn’t it? I’m no more fixed than you are. (Maybe a little more today, a little less tomorrow.) And I think if I were fixed, I’d be no help to you.

I’m going to go draw a see saw. And a time tunnel.

I should also go read one of those almost-cerebral books on physics. Those pop culture ones. I feel too detached from my old love to immerse myself properly.