by Rie

The usual exam update. Just four more tests, y’all.

I’ve developed a coffee habit. I’ve also become far less glamorous. (The problem is that I was never glamorous to begin with. It’s like starting at zero and jumping to negative twenty-seven.) I’ve also taken to attempting the splits and doing push-ups when I feel frustrated; both of which I fail miserably at. There’s also that new addiction to Reddit and my increasingly weird dreams (I was China in Civilization V and I declared war on America; it was long and drawn out and I thanked the heavens for my Great General).

I sometimes feel like collapsing: there’s all this weight on my shoulders and I’ve forgotten how to breathe properly. I slap on a quick salve of YouTube videos and reading. I Google the symptoms of ADD because my attention span has flicked from one thing to another to another to another to Googling learning disorders.

Did I come on WordPress to just say this?

Yep. And…

I’ve recently become overwhelmed with the fear that I am both abnormal and too normal. I don’t ever, ever want to find myself lost in empty thoughts that deal with my looks or the expansiveness of my social circle. In my head, I am happiest as a recluse who skates thinly in social situations. But, at the same time, should I not be pre-occupied with these things? What if I find myself alone and unhappy? But worrying about that proves I’m normal, doesn’t it? But that’s self-centred and, so, repulsive. Would it be better to be abnormal then?

I’ve also settled in the notion that loving oneself is destructive, in a way. Which, I suppose, isn’t too surprising since I’m very good at being self-loathing and have probably talked myself into thinking it is normal. But wouldn’t one be stagnant if they believed themselves perfect (in the vein of being wonderful in their own special way)?

I give up on trying to frame my thoughts. My language skills are dissipating. I’ll probably have to come back and edit this post for clarity.

*Puts note on to-do list

*Goes back to studying

Till next time.