New Year Resolutions

by Rie

Because it’s a thing and it needs to be documented.

1. Balance the quiet and the noise

I’ve become very good at being noisy. When the quiet is too threatening, I pick up my phone and fill my head with other people’s noise. The quiet becomes what do I do next? Who do I talk to next? The flip side is that the quiet becomes all the more terrifying when I try to fill it up and I fail.

In 2015, I had learned to turn off my phone and my internet connection and willingly embrace the quiet. It was a strange adventure in many ways: This is the 21st century! Why can I not reach you? What do you mean it’ll be more effective to leave post-it notes on your door?

Now I disappear for weeks at a time at will. If only to force myself to confront what really needs changing. I like it a lot. Too much, mayhaps. I’ve found that it has helped me understand people; just as I have made myself transparent, people have become more transparent. Maybe motives and feelings are easier to read when I’ve already spent all this time addressing my own.

However, I have pushed, perhaps, too far into the quiet. It’s time to find a balance. Maybe it’s also time to find a more productive quiet.

2. Write more

This one’s pretty simple. I’ve neglected it in 2015. I’ve written more poetry, sure, but that’s mostly for myself.

I’m attempting a more conventional blog where people can separate myself from my feelings. It’s an experiment I haven’t figured out yet. We’ll see how that goes.

Also, that book that has been simmering forever.

3. Understand

…what I want to be and where I want to be. Just a little more is fine.

In the last year, I have found that I am actually very happy just being friends with people for a period. I appear in their life when they need me and disappear when they do not. I’m a poor-weather friend of sorts. It’s just that I’ve come to the understanding that some people need certain things at certain times. If I know this, I should provide it. When they do not need it any longer, the service is no longer required. Some people only want several close friends when they’re happy again; I am happy to disappear when they have reached that state.

Plus, I have come to terms with the fact that I can tire many people out. Which is fine. I find some people tiresome, myself.

I only inserted the “read more” tag because I was tired of resolutions. I was asleep when the new year came in and still feel as if I am asleep now. Slowly my bones and muscles stretch into the new year, much as my self is extending into what it is meant to be.

I like the new year because every year marks a new sort of promise. Things will be much different but will also be much the same. It is time running with you, ahead of you, and behind you. It is biting your lip and wondering, this year, with these changes, what of me is right and what of me is wrong.

The property of a human is its existence in both right and wrong – either believing it is completely right or completely wrong. Those that blink and see the shades of grey, uncomfortably shuffle into the boxes they think they should be in.

What I think the new year promises me is not an acceptance of myself as it is but the shuffling into knowing who I should be. It is not, I guess, daring myself to be different every time but, at least, understanding that I do not understand enough.

It is knowing that I have been cruel and am capable of much cruelty. Yet, not declaring myself cruel or justifying my cruelty. It is knowing that I have been kind and am capable of much more kindness. Similarly, it is not believing myself to be kind but knowing that I prefer to be kind.

That’s helped a lot with my mental state. It is knowing that I have been depressed and can be depressed but not necessarily making it part of my identity. Similarly, my fear regarding who I am cannot simultaneously exist with this line of thought, if only because I have accepted that my identity is fluid. It is deeply rooted in permanence because I understand that these memories and feelings and processes belong to me but the boxes I can be assigned do not.

This is probably too much of an essay, as ever.

I’ll go eat cereal. Comfort food win.