I haven’t been in this space for a while.
(and i’m sort of used to tumblr where i type like this)
But it’s midnight in March and I am overdue for a post.
I have a job. This fact sometimes startles me. I work as a vet. Despite having spent 5 years heading in this direction, I am shocked anyway.
But having a job doesn’t mean I have direction. It doesn’t mean I have purpose either. I occasionally do important things. The importance, however, is relative. And there are people out there who question the importance of what I do. “Your client spent how much on his cat???”
The (sometimes) unsaid sentence is: “They could have spent it on me instead.”
I wonder where I’m going next. I wonder quite frequently. And I am caught off guard by my brain reminding me of potential mistakes. Mistakes that I’ll have to wait out because time either heals my patients or kills them. I can nudge time, occasionally, in a way that favours my patients. I try. I don’t know how successful I’ll be.
My heart is restless. Not in the same way it used to be. I can’t write very well anymore. I’m not nearly melodramatic enough.
(This post reflects my state of mind, doesn’t it? I am just all over the place.)
I wish I could be looking back at this period of time – this midnight in March – with five years of hindsight. Couldn’t I stand in the future for the moment and contemplate this moment as my past? What would it look like?
I would probably laugh. “Silly girl. She will stumble blind either way.”