by Rie

I sleepily crawl into each day. I am lucky in most respects – I sleep well; my brain chemistry facilitates a mostly good mood, which facilitates decent social interactions; my bank account is comfortably full. I do not feel lack, which is peculiar, because I am often found lacking. But I am settled in my skin and I do not mind my mind.

I am a medical student now. It is very peculiar to say. I am mid-way into my third week. I have decided to mark the beginning of this chapter, by starting an Instagram account for a cat and pretending that it is he who is attending med school. It feels more real than my attendance. He is not even my cat.

Roughly a week before starting medical school, I said goodbye to a very dear friend. He was a cat and now he sits as ashes on my shelf. I’ve struggled to pack up his things. I cry a lot and I don’t know how to grieve.

Yet, whilst I have this hole which frays away at all its edges, I do not pull at the edge of his existence. I do not will him to return. Death can sometimes be such a blessing when one does not have wholeness. Death is the completion of life in this way.

I just miss him and I let myself feel one emotion at a time.